-Been Far Away For Far Too Long-

Sometimes, I look at my life, and see some crazy soap opera.... and it's nuts, you know? I look at my family life, my friend life, my work life, my school life, and the times I spend myself, thinking really hard.... They all leave me feeling like I'm living a dream. Something that would be portrayed on the opposite side of a mirror. I guess growing up, even a few years ago, I never really thought too hard into this... then this thing hit me, something called self-realization. One day out of the blue, I started reading into myself, which I guess now, is what leads me to write in here, and with no school to take up my days, I have lots of time to think, feel and write.

Let me reflect back on the comment about the soap opera. The more I think about it, the more I feel like my life is being filmed for someone, so they can get their fill of drama. Let me just give you the basics so you can see where I'm coming from. All of my [immediate] family either lives overseas (Italy) or is scattered all over North America, with the greatest density in Ontario. Everyone is pretty much close together with everyone but us. We are the only ones in Nova Scotia, and I guess that no matter where we have lived, it's pretty much been us, and just us all alone. Social rejects, if you will. I don't really understand the whole story, but I get the idea that part of it (on my dad's side) is the cultural barrier (on my mom's side). I could be wrong, so don't quote me. Either way, no matter what the reason, we really never kept in close contact with my dad's side, other than my grandmother and aunt, who I have always had some sort of a special bond with. Sometimes, I come to believe that I'm her 're-incarnation' though that wouldn't work because she is still alive... but you know what I mean, separated (by time and space) Siamese twins, it's kinda cool and eerie at the same time, to think that someone hears you and knows things about you, and you didn't even talk about them before. Anyways, back on topic... I guess that most of the issues happened before my time, and I may never really understand them, but this is where we are. My aunt lives in the west coast, Oregon, my grandmother and her husband live in Toronto, and my grandfather and his wife, well I'm not really sure where they are, Florida maybe... I don't know, the last time I saw him was at least 3 years ago, if not more... I'm not sure how fond of us he [they] are. My grandmother and father have finally, somewhat ended the feud between them, but who knows how long that will last. My aunt simply lives a life apart from any of us (my family - mom, dad, brother and sisters), and has a lot going on, and I can appreciate that, because that is life.
On the other hand, my mom's family is just simply too far away, and I guess that's just as sad. We visited them over the winter break, and it was a nice feeling to know that we had so much family near by, basically within walking distance. No matter though, there is still something that makes me feel like we are just intruding, and are really more a bother than it's worth to them. Like a reject, or like something is missing. I guess it's just the style of life that's different, who knows though.

Anyway, I guess I should try to make a point here...

I guess what I'm trying to say, in a nutshell, is that sometimes I wish I could have everyone all in one place. I have friends that have most or all of their family so close by, and they just take it for granted... and I guess sometimes, I'm kinda jealous. Maybe all the events that have happened is what scares me when I think about losing my family [mom, dad, brother and sisters] as I get older. I observe other people's families, and see how everyone just seems to drift apart, and I don't want that to happen to me too... I guess in some ways, I need them, and maybe, they need me too, but who knows.

I guess that the only time I'll get my wish is whenever it's my turn to walk down that isle... the day that will be the start of my own family, which is another scary thought, for another long night.

A bientot
Rebecca